And the thing is, we are joking, because we both know full well how much our separate countries and cultures make us who we are. We wouldn’t be marrying the same person, if that were really the case. And we appreciate those differences too, acknowledging how much they enrich our lives. But on the other hand, we aren’t joking. Because you know what? There are moments when I really dislike it (The bi-cultural bit, not Maarten). When I wish I could just live here, in my home, without the constant tug of another land. I wish I didn’t know any better and could simply be, and be content, without feeling like I’m pulling my family in two; depriving them of something equally important and, who knows, maybe better.
A while back we were gifted a weekend at a beautiful guest cabin of a family Maarten is doing some consulting work for. When we woke up Saturday morning it was still dark and we watched the blue light of dawn slowly bring the surroundings into focus and – gasp – it was snowing! The light, silent snow that comes in November, turning the fall browns white and softening the bare frozen ground. It was so beautiful. So perfect. The open fields around us, horses grazing silently, the larch trees still lighting up the surrounding hills with the warmth of their orange needles… It is at times like this, when I experience a moment of perfection, life as I want it to be, that this melancholy sets in and taints what I’ve got with the knowledge that because I’m living this moment, I’m missing a thousand others on the other side of the world.
Oh, I know, I need to let it go. I need to practice mindfulness. Live in the here and now. Appreciate and be thankful for what I have. I’m trying, really. I send up prayers of gratitude daily. Along with more desperate ones like ‘HELP, what are we going to do? Where will we be? What is best?’ Maarten reminds me we don’t have to choose, not yet, at least, but I can’t seem to ignore that choice looming off somewhere on the not-so-far horizon. It is a burden I’m learning to live with. Sort of. And I’m learning to Trust that we will have peace when the moment comes to make that decision. Kind of.