Wouldn’t it be nice?

october november 018-001So Maarten and I sometimes joke with each other; why couldn’t you be Dutch, or why couldn’t you be from Montana?  Things would be so much easier…

And the thing is, we are joking, because we both know full well how much our separate countries and cultures make us who we are.  We wouldn’t be marrying the same person, if that were really the case.  And we appreciate those differences too, acknowledging how much they enrich our lives.  But on the other hand, we aren’t joking.  Because you know what?  There are moments when I  really dislike it (The bi-cultural bit, not Maarten).  When I wish I could just live here, in my home, without the constant tug of another land.  I wish I didn’t know any better and could simply be, and be content, without feeling like I’m pulling my family in two; depriving them of something equally important and, who knows, maybe better.

A while back we were gifted a weekend at a beautiful guest cabin of a family Maarten is doing some consulting work for.  When we woke up Saturday morning it was still dark and we watched the blue light of dawn slowly bring the surroundings into focus and – gasp – it was snowing!  The light, silent snow that comes in November, turning the fall browns white and softening the bare frozen ground.  It was so beautiful.  So perfect.  The open fields around us, horses grazing silently, the larch trees still lighting up the surrounding hills with the warmth of their orange needles…  It is at times like this, when I experience a moment of perfection, life as I want it to be, that this melancholy sets in and taints what I’ve got with the knowledge that because I’m living this moment, I’m missing a thousand others on the other side of the world.

Oh, I know, I need to let it go.  I need to practice mindfulness.  Live in the here and now.  Appreciate and be thankful for what I have.  I’m trying, really.  I send up prayers of gratitude daily.  Along with more desperate ones like  ‘HELP, what are we going to do?  Where will we be?  What is best?’  Maarten reminds me we don’t have to choose, not yet, at least, but I can’t seem to ignore that choice looming off somewhere on the not-so-far horizon.  It is a burden I’m learning to live with.  Sort of.  And I’m learning to Trust that we will have peace when the moment comes to make that decision.  Kind of.

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This entry was posted in Culture, Dual Citizenship, Free Time/Vacation, Homesick, Nature/Landscape, Things I Will Miss and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Wouldn’t it be nice?

  1. verena says:

    je hebt je worsteling mooi en schilderachtig neergezet. De filosoof Comenius zei al “kiezen is verliezen”, en dat is veel in jullie geval. In beide landen hebben/hadden jullie een rijk leven.
    sterkte bij de keuze; je hebt gelijk,als het zover is weet je het meestal wel (al blijft de pijn)
    michiel

  2. Roëlle says:

    Wauwww! I really like it to read your storys!
    xx Roelle

  3. I understand your struggle, we’re having the same one in Australia. We still feel the tug even after seven years of down under. Not for the country, but for the family ties we feel we deprive the kids of. I get homesick when I’m in The Netherlands, surrounded by family I feel guilty about it, knowing it might be another two years before we see each other again. But having found our home and happiness here, our family knows that this is where we all can thrive and have peace with it. Yes, it’s far away, but technology brings two worlds a whole lot closer. It also gives them a holiday destination and by the look of the pictures I’ve seen on your blog, it’s a great place to be. Good luck with making your choices.

    • idafischer says:

      Thanks, Marijke, I can imagine that your choice to live in Australia does create a lot of this same tension! My parents admit now that they miss having the opportunity to come visit us in the Netherlands, but we are doing our best to get folks over here, it certainly is a beautiful place!

  4. Tjitske says:

    Wow, mooi opgeschreven! En herkenbaar, ook al komt Job bijna uit dezelfde stad als ik. Keuzes, ook voor je kinderen, zijn zooo moeilijk. En wat als.. We geen huis in verbouwing hadden, wat als we in Zutphen in een volksbuurt waren gaan wonen, waar deze tijden bakfiets moeders met kerstverlichting rondrijden. Wat als ik mijn oude merrie niet had laten inslapen.. Wat als de kinderen thuis konden zijn in plaats van op de opvang.. Maar dan hoor ik aso’s in de bewuste wijk, zie ik de kinderen lol hebben met anderen op de opvang, en Job blij met t huis, dan is t weer goed. Totdat..

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